I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
