The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize