I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
