i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
