Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
