I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
