well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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