i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
