I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
