In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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