I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
