I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
