Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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