I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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