I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
The uberlube is also flammable
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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