Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
