i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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