My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
