He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
