Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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