last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
