It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
