if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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