Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
