So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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