Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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