Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
