I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
