Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
