Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
