she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I want to fling myself into the sun
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
