I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
