I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
