Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
