I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize