I faked an abortion last night.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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