There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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