If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
cat food counts as protein by the way
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
