You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Randomize
