Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
