you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Everything about him screamed your future.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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