oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
from now on my penis is your penis
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
