Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
