I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
