she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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