This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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