My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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