My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
