If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
