Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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