I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
