Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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