I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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