That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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