I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
