STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
pray to the hookup gods
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
