someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
