there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
