I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
