Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I can't turn off my feet"
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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