remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
