someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
