I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
