You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
